Anne Lamott, in her book "Bird by Bird," wrote "I don't think you have time to waste on someone who does not respond to you with kindness and respect. You don't want to spend your time around people who make you hold your breath." While her comment in the book refers to someone who offers constructive criticism of a writer's first draft, her philosophy applies just as clearly to dealing with people in general.
You don't need to go through life "holding your breath" around people who are considered "difficult!" Dealing with them has more to do with setting boundaries and limitations for ourselves regarding what we will, or will not tolerate from others. The best we can do is understand what motivates them, try to improve the effectiveness of our actions, maintain our integrity and self-esteem, and know when to let go!
Difficult People DefinedJust for giggles, poll the people around you and ask what is their definition of a difficult person. Most likely you'll get just as many versions as the number of people you survey. But if you looked for the common themes, you'd find it's typically someone whose troublesome behavior…
- Affects most people, not just the overly sensitive, weak, or incompetent. In other words, 99% of the people you work with also think this person is a pain in the posterior!
- Is set at a lower threshold and is more easily triggered. They're unpredictable, and seem to "go off" over the smallest little things.
- Is frequent and habitual. They exhibit this type of behavior most of the time.
Human behavior experts, like Dr. Robert M. Bramson, in "Coping with Difficult People," has categorized them into 6 types and recommends the following strategies for working more effectively with them:
The Hostile/Aggressive
This is the bully who always needs to be right. They tend to be abusive, abrupt, accusatory, intimidating, arbitrary, and arrogant. They value high levels of self-confidence and aggressiveness and demean those who don't possess them.
Coping Strategies:
- Stand up to them without fighting by assertively expressing your opinion ("In my opinion, I disagree with you.") If you allow a fight to escalate you'll never win against these people and you may end up losing the war.
- Take unpredictable actions to get their attention: drop a book, stand up, firmly call them by name, get them to sit down and don't sit until they do.
- Be prepared for friendly overtures as soon as they view you as worthy of respect.
The Complainer
They avoid taking responsibility. These are the people who find fault with everything, but may be some legitimacy to their complaints. They use an accusatory tone, and come across as powerless, fatalistic, morally perfect, and self-righteous.
Coping Strategies:
- Break the self-fulfilling cycle of passivity, blaming, and powerlessness by insisting on a problem solving approach. Ask for complaints in writing, ask open-ended questions, and assign them to fact-finding tasks.
- Listen attentively. They may just need to blow off steam, which could provide information that's important to you.
- Be prepared to interrupt and take control. Pin them down to the specifics.
- Don't agree. Agreeing only validates for them that it is your fault and they are blameless.
- If all else fails, ask them how they would like the discussion to end; what results do they want to achieve?
The Silent/Unresponsive
These people limit risk and seek safety by refusing to respond, and are often non-committal despite the fact that something is definitely wrong. They use this form of calculated aggression to avoid facing their fears.
Coping Strategies:
Get them to talk by asking open-ended questions beginning with "how" and "what."
Apply a friendly, silent stare toward the person and hold it. Don't be tempted to fill the space with words to ease your own discomfort. Comment on the fact you find it interesting they're refusing to communicate, then ask: Are you concerned about my reaction? How do you think I'll react? You look distressed/worried/concerned. Am I misinterpreting? Am I wrong that you're feeling uncomfortable, annoyed, angry, or impatient? Set time limits and be prepared for an "I don't know" response. You may either assume it's genuine or it's a stalling tactic and reply, "It appears our meeting is at an impasse." Return to the friendly, silent stare and wait for a response. If the clam opens up, be attentive, demonstrate active listening, and allow them be vague (it may lead to their main issue). If they don't respond, avoid a polite ending by stating you intend to revisit the issue again. State you assume their lack of response means X to you, and list the actions you will take if effective communication doesn't occur. Super-Agreeable
This is the "people-pleaser" who over-promises and never delivers. They avoid conflict at all costs, are outgoing, sociable, personal with others, and very attentive. They will tell you things that are good to hear and then let you down by making unrealistic commitments.
Coping Strategies:
- Make honesty non-threatening. Ask for their opinion without jeopardizing your acceptance of them as individuals.
- Be personal without being phony and let them know you value them as people.
- Don't allow them to over-commit or take on more than they can handle.
- Ask for feedback on things that might interfere with your good relationship.
- Pay attention to their humor - it often masks their true feelings.
Negativist
These people have been deeply disappointed in life and are unable to work through it. They've lost trust, tend to throw cold water on every idea, easily deflate optimism, and believe in absolute, immovable barriers. They are convinced they have little power over their own lives and believe those who do have power cannot be trusted to act reasonably or consistently. They may be angry and resentful most of the time.
Coping Strategies:
- Recognize your own vulnerability to discouragement. The impact these people have on others can be contagious unless you meet it directly with confident, assertive optimism.
- Don't argue with them or embarrass them. You won't get far by making it a "win/lose" battle.
- Allow them to play the role of "reality checker" by analyzing what could go wrong.
- Require them to cite specifics rather than make sweeping generalizations.
- Offer examples of past successes. Show that some alternatives are worth trying by saying, "I have faith that we haven't tried everything."
The Know it All Expert
They have a strong need for security in an unpredictable world, value facts and logic, and seek respect through acknowledged competence. Often described as "bulldozers," they are highly productive, thorough, and accurate. They possess an aura of personal authority and sense of power, and a tone of absolute certainty. They are usually right and will confront those who question their logic with a data "dump" that leaves others overwhelmed. They can be condescending, imposing, pompous, and sometimes make you feel like an idiot.
Coping Strategies:
- Help them consider alternative views while avoiding direct challenges to their expertise.
- You must do your homework, discuss facts in an orderly manner, and make sure your information is accurate and complete. Don't 'ball park' it or they will dismiss you as incompetent.
- Listen actively and acknowledge. Paraphrase rather than interrupt; it shows you respect their expertise.
- If you must point out an error or omission, do it by questioning firmly with confidence and ask for clarification by saying, "How will that look 5 years from now?
- Resist the temptation to assert your own expert credentials. It won't work. No one knows more than they do in their opinion!
Deal With It Or Know When to Let Go?
Typically, the longer we ignore a situation, the worse it gets - rarely does it "give up" and go away! Clearly, it's to our advantage to develop and practice effective conflict management practices that facilitate discussion yet do not dissolve into highly charged emotional exchanges. Kofi Annan, the seventh Secretary-General of the United Nations is a soft-spoken, yet provocative leader who is known to say things in a civil way that others may not have the courage to say.
He believes, "We work in an organization where one usually tries to avoid conflict, but when the issues are that important and also that persistent, one needs to find a way of getting them debated, and move forward in a rational and perhaps more organized manner."
So, how should we proceed? Dr. Bramson suggests:
- Assess the situation. Are they really a difficult person or just having a bad day? If you find yourself reacting negatively to practically everything they do, it may be a response to something quite specific about them like their hair, perfume, or mannerisms that remind you of your 3rd grade teacher, etc.
- Stop wishing they were different. We assume everyone must think and behave like we do and if they don't, we assume they're doing it on purpose to irritate us!
- Distance yourself from them by taking a detached, impersonal view. The more you can see them as separate from yourself, the less likely you'll be to interpret their behavior as being a personal attack against you. It's just the way they are; you had nothing to do with it!
- Interrupt the action. Recognize that a difficult person is adept at bringing the worst out of everyone! You, however, are free to change the nature of the interaction versus getting caught up in a cycle of frustrated expectations. You are not a victim! Do the opposite of what they expect.
- Time your response carefully. Choose a time when the difficult person is not under excessive stress or obligation. People are less resilient and flexible when under stress.
In the final analysis, consider whether or not you have the time and energy to "engage." Perhaps you recognize more damage could be done to your own mental health and self-esteem by participating in any interaction with this person. Your best option may be to withdraw from the relationship, and yes, that could mean you consider quitting your job, divorcing your spouse, eating lunch with a different crowd, or moving far away from your grown children.
We get to choose whom we allow to take up space in our lives, and as Anne Lamott also so eloquently said, "You can't fill up when you're holding your breath." You can't fill up with life, love, and laughter when important parts of you are simultaneously being drained away!
