Dealing with Difficult People-II

Anne Lamott, in her book "Bird by Bird," wrote "I don't think you have time to waste on someone who does not respond to you with kindness and respect. You don't want to spend your time around people who make you hold your breath." While her comment in the book refers to someone who offers constructive criticism of a writer's first draft, her philosophy applies just as clearly to dealing with people in general.
You don't need to go through life "holding your breath" around people who are considered "difficult!" Dealing with them has more to do with setting boundaries and limitations for ourselves regarding what we will, or will not tolerate from others. The best we can do is understand what motivates them, try to improve the effectiveness of our actions, maintain our integrity and self-esteem, and know when to let go!

Difficult People Defined
Just for giggles, poll the people around you and ask what is their definition of a difficult person. Most likely you'll get just as many versions as the number of people you survey. But if you looked for the common themes, you'd find it's typically someone whose troublesome behavior…

• Affects most people, not just the overly sensitive, weak, or incompetent. In other words, 99% of the people you work with also think this person is a pain in the posterior!
• Is set at a lower threshold and is more easily triggered. They're unpredictable, and seem to "go off" over the smallest little things.
• Is frequent and habitual. They exhibit this type of behavior most of the time.

Human behavior experts, like Dr. Robert M. Bramson, in "Coping with Difficult People," has categorized them into 6 types and recommends the following strategies for working more effectively with them:

The Hostile/Aggressive

This is the bully who always needs to be right. They tend to be abusive, abrupt, accusatory, intimidating, arbitrary, and arrogant. They value high levels of self-confidence and aggressiveness and demean those who don't possess them.

Coping Strategies:

• Stand up to them without fighting by assertively expressing your opinion ("In my opinion, I disagree with you.") If you allow a fight to escalate you'll never win against these people and you may end up losing the war.
• Take unpredictable actions to get their attention: drop a book, stand up, firmly call them by name, get them to sit down and don't sit until they do.
• Be prepared for friendly overtures as soon as they view you as worthy of respect.

The Complainer

They avoid taking responsibility. These are the people who find fault with everything, but may be some legitimacy to their complaints. They use an accusatory tone, and come across as powerless, fatalistic, morally perfect, and self-righteous.

Coping Strategies:

• Break the self-fulfilling cycle of passivity, blaming, and powerlessness by insisting on a problem solving approach. Ask for complaints in writing, ask open-ended questions, and assign them to fact-finding tasks.
• Listen attentively. They may just need to blow off steam, which could provide information that's important to you.
• Be prepared to interrupt and take control. Pin them down to the specifics.
• Don't agree. Agreeing only validates for them that it is your fault and they are blameless.
• If all else fails, ask them how they would like the discussion to end; what results do they want to achieve?

The Silent/Unresponsive

These people limit risk and seek safety by refusing to respond, and are often non-committal despite the fact that something is definitely wrong. They use this form of calculated aggression to avoid facing their fears.

Coping Strategies:

Get them to talk by asking open-ended questions beginning with "how" and "what."

Apply a friendly, silent stare toward the person and hold it. Don't be tempted to fill the space with words to ease your own discomfort. Comment on the fact you find it interesting they're refusing to communicate, then ask:

Are you concerned about my reaction? How do you think I'll react?

You look distressed/worried/concerned. Am I misinterpreting?

Am I wrong that you're feeling uncomfortable, annoyed, angry, or impatient?

Set time limits and be prepared for an "I don't know" response. You may either assume it's genuine or it's a stalling tactic and reply, "It appears our meeting is at an impasse." Return to the friendly, silent stare and wait for a response.

If the clam opens up, be attentive, demonstrate active listening, and allow them be vague (it may lead to their main issue). If they don't respond, avoid a polite ending by stating you intend to revisit the issue again. State you assume their lack of response means X to you, and list the actions you will take if effective communication doesn't occur.

Super-Agreeable

This is the "people-pleaser" who over-promises and never delivers. They avoid conflict at all costs, are outgoing, sociable, personal with others, and very attentive. They will tell you things that are good to hear and then let you down by making unrealistic commitments.

Coping Strategies:

• Make honesty non-threatening. Ask for their opinion without jeopardizing your acceptance of them as individuals.
• Be personal without being phony and let them know you value them as people.
• Don't allow them to over-commit or take on more than they can handle.
• Ask for feedback on things that might interfere with your good relationship.
• Pay attention to their humor - it often masks their true feelings.

Negativist

These people have been deeply disappointed in life and are unable to work through it. They've lost trust, tend to throw cold water on every idea, easily deflate optimism, and believe in absolute, immovable barriers. They are convinced they have little power over their own lives and believe those who do have power cannot be trusted to act reasonably or consistently. They may be angry and resentful most of the time.

Coping Strategies:

• Recognize your own vulnerability to discouragement. The impact these people have on others can be contagious unless you meet it directly with confident, assertive optimism.
• Don't argue with them or embarrass them. You won't get far by making it a "win/lose" battle.
• Allow them to play the role of "reality checker" by analyzing what could go wrong.
• Require them to cite specifics rather than make sweeping generalizations.
• Offer examples of past successes. Show that some alternatives are worth trying by saying, "I have faith that we haven't tried everything."

The Know it All Expert

They have a strong need for security in an unpredictable world, value facts and logic, and seek respect through acknowledged competence. Often described as "bulldozers," they are highly productive, thorough, and accurate. They possess an aura of personal authority and sense of power, and a tone of absolute certainty. They are usually right and will confront those who question their logic with a data "dump" that leaves others overwhelmed. They can be condescending, imposing, pompous, and sometimes make you feel like an idiot.

Coping Strategies:

• Help them consider alternative views while avoiding direct challenges to their expertise.
• You must do your homework, discuss facts in an orderly manner, and make sure your information is accurate and complete. Don't 'ball park' it or they will dismiss you as incompetent.
• Listen actively and acknowledge. Paraphrase rather than interrupt; it shows you respect their expertise.
• If you must point out an error or omission, do it by questioning firmly with confidence and ask for clarification by saying, "How will that look 5 years from now?
• Resist the temptation to assert your own expert credentials. It won't work. No one knows more than they do in their opinion!

Deal With It Or Know When to Let Go?

Typically, the longer we ignore a situation, the worse it gets - rarely does it "give up" and go away! Clearly, it's to our advantage to develop and practice effective conflict management practices that facilitate discussion yet do not dissolve into highly charged emotional exchanges. Kofi Annan, the seventh Secretary-General of the United Nations is a soft-spoken, yet provocative leader who is known to say things in a civil way that others may not have the courage to say.
He believes, "We work in an organization where one usually tries to avoid conflict, but when the issues are that important and also that persistent, one needs to find a way of getting them debated, and move forward in a rational and perhaps more organized manner."

So, how should we proceed? Dr. Bramson suggests:

1. Assess the situation. Are they really a difficult person or just having a bad day? If you find yourself reacting negatively to practically everything they do, it may be a response to something quite specific about them like their hair, perfume, or mannerisms that remind you of your 3rd grade teacher, etc.
2. Stop wishing they were different. We assume everyone must think and behave like we do and if they don't, we assume they're doing it on purpose to irritate us!
3. Distance yourself from them by taking a detached, impersonal view. The more you can see them as separate from yourself, the less likely you'll be to interpret their behavior as being a personal attack against you. It's just the way they are; you had nothing to do with it!
4. Interrupt the action. Recognize that a difficult person is adept at bringing the worst out of everyone! You, however, are free to change the nature of the interaction versus getting caught up in a cycle of frustrated expectations. You are not a victim! Do the opposite of what they expect.
5. Time your response carefully. Choose a time when the difficult person is not under excessive stress or obligation. People are less resilient and flexible when under stress.

In the final analysis, consider whether or not you have the time and energy to "engage." Perhaps you recognize more damage could be done to your own mental health and self-esteem by participating in any interaction with this person. Your best option may be to withdraw from the relationship, and yes, that could mean you consider quitting your job, divorcing your spouse, eating lunch with a different crowd, or moving far away from your grown children.
We get to choose whom we allow to take up space in our lives, and as Anne Lamott also so eloquently said, "You can't fill up when you're holding your breath." You can't fill up with life, love, and laughter when important parts of you are simultaneously being drained away!

Dealing with Difficult People

What makes people "difficult"?

Usually, the difficult person is someone who is working from the negative side of their personality, rather than a conscious desire to be difficult. The person is often unaware of themselves and how they affect others. They also don't realize how harmful their actions are to their own career success.
In the business world, we are constantly faced with trying to work with others who may challenge our ability to get things done.
There is great value to be gained when we take the time to try to understand another’s viewpoint. By changing our attitude toward them and changing our viewpoint about what makes them "wrong" we can find a wealth of knowledge to improve our own ability to work with people.
This article addresses a couple personality aspects that are common in the workplace. In future articles, we will highlight others.

Symptom: They know it all, so don’t dare to question them

This is a well-recognized trait, especially prevalent in technical people. Many other professions share the trait. We see it often in computer programmers, software developers, engineers, doctors and attorneys.
Example: As a business user of computers, you may ask what you think is a simple question and get a response that is something like "how DARE you question me or my judgment!"
Or, you make a suggestion and get a ton of excuses why that is not true, why it shouldn’t be done that way, why the person is an expert in their field, blah, blah, blah . . .
Eventually, you give up trying to work with them.
This symptom is a manifestation of arrogance. Arrogance is a defense against vulnerability and insecurity, often learned in childhood when parents constantly criticize a child for not being good enough. The person is so afraid of being seen as unworthy or incompetent, that they immediately throw up a defensive shield against any possible attack. This defense protects them for a while, but everyone else sees that it is false.
In the end, they lose credibility and respect — the thing they fear most.

The results of arrogance and defensiveness:

1. People refuse to deal with them
2. People don’t believe what they say
3. People think they really don’t know their job
4. They may be fired eventually because of their attitude.

Symptom: Do it my way, or else!!

This is another well recognized trait that seems prevalent in people in management positions or positions of corporate power. No matter what anyone says or does, this person will force their ideas on everyone else. There can be no open discussion or involvement. Things MUST be done this person’s way or else.
Example: In a meeting, if someone offers a suggestion, this person will strongly make it clear that their suggestions are not wanted. If you try to make a point, this person will crush any attempts to deal rationally with the situation.
Eventually, everyone gives up trying to work with them.
This symptom is a negative aspect of dominance: Dictatorship. This symptom is at it's worst when the person’s primary role is warrior or king. If they happen to also have power mode combined with Dominance, people will FEEL as if someone punched them in the stomach when the person lets loose with their verbal abuse.
The positive side of Dominance is Leadership. When this person is relaxed and working from the positive side of their personality, they can be quite effective and charming. As with Arrogance, stress or insecurity may bring on the attack. It may seem to come without warning or you may be able to see the stress building up.
In the end, the person loses their ability to control events — the thing they fear most.
Many people operating from this negative position are fired publicly, causing them great humiliation and complete loss of control over events. Needless to say, those who have been subjected to their tyranny are joyous in celebrating their defeat.

The results of domineering people:

1. People will avoid them or refuse to deal with them
2. People will not tell them the truth or provide them with vital information that might help them make better decisions
3. People learn to ignore or discount their opinions or decisions
4. People will avoid implementing their ideas and subvert their authority (consciously or unconsciously)
5. They may be fired because of their bad decisions and poor leadership abilities.

Tips for dealing with negative aspects in others:

1. When you see someone go into attack mode or excess defensiveness, recognize that it is useless to argue with them.
2. Realize that the person is feeling very insecure at that time.
3. Don’t continue to push them because they will only get worse.
4. If the symptoms only seem to occur when the person is under stress, wait until another time to pursue the discussion.
5. If they are always overly defensive or always attacking others, you may need to find another person to work with who does not have the same problem.
6. Keep your own sense of self-confidence and don't allow yourself to be verbally abused.
7. If the difficult person is your boss, reconsider whether it's time to find a job elsewhere.

Tips for supervising people with negative aspects:

1. Help the person see how much their negative behavior is damaging their career potential.
2. Set goals for them to learn to work better with others and monitor their behavior until it improves.
3. If it does not improve within a reasonable time, send them packing.

Tips for overcoming negative aspects in yourself:

1. Learn to recognize when your defensive mechanisms come up. Realize that you are probably not really being attacked.
2. When you catch yourself feeling defensive, don’t react so quickly.
3. Learn how to listen when someone asks a question or makes a suggestion.
4. Ask people to re-state their question/comment/suggestion.
5. Try to understand what others are saying by repeating back what you think you heard.
6. You may want to ask for more time to respond, then get back to them. This will give you time to work with the question/comment/suggestion without the pressure of being on the spot.
7. DO consider that other people have good ideas that are just as valid as yours.
8. Take courses or workshops in listening skills and team-building.
9. Find someone who can help you work on this negative aspect of yourself — a good friend, coworker, teacher or counselor.
10. If it is someone that you interact with regularly, ask them to let you know when you are being a jerk and call your attention to what you are doing. That will help you learn to see what situations and events trigger your insecurity.
11. Recognize that changing learned patterns of insecurity and defensiveness may take years of work.
12. Don't give up on yourself.
13. Learn to understand your own personality and your unique strengths and weaknesses.
14. The effort to improve your ability to get along with others will be rewarded as you find more career opportunities open up for you.

SELF CONFIDENCE

Self-confidence is an attitude which allows individuals to have positive yet realistic views of themselves and their situations. Self-confident people trust their own abilities, have a general sense of control in their lives, and believe that, within reason, they will be able to do what they wish, plan, and expect.
Having self-confidence does not mean that individuals will be able to do everything. Self-confident people have expectations that are realistic. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves.
People who are not self-confident depend excessively on the approval of others in order to feel good about themselves. They tend to avoid taking risks because they fear failure. They generally do not expect to be successful. They often put themselves down and tend to discount or ignore compliments paid to them. By contrast, self-confident people are willing to risk the disapproval of others because they generally trust their own abilities. They tend to accept themselves; they don't feel they have to conform in order to be accepted.
Self-confidence is not necessarily a general characteristic which pervades all aspects of a person's life. Typically, individuals will have some areas of their lives where they feel quite confident, e.g.,academics, athletics, while at the same time they do not feel at all confident in other areas, e.g., personal appearance, social relationships.

How is Self-Confidence Initially Developed?
Many factors affect the development of self-confidence. Parents' attitudes are crucial to children's feelings about themselves, particularly in children's early years. When parents provide acceptance, children receive a solid foundation for good feelings about themselves. If one or both parents are excessively critical or demanding, or if they are overprotective and discourage moves toward independence, children may come to believe they are incapable, inadequate, or inferior. However, if parents encourage children's moves toward self-reliance and accept and love their children when they make mistakes, children will learn to accept themselves and will be on their way to developing self-confidence.
Surprisingly, lack of self-confidence is not necessarily related to lack of ability. Instead it is often the result of focusing too much on the unrealistic expectations or standards of others, especially parents and society. Friends' influences can be as powerful or more powerful than those of parents and society in shaping feelings about one's self. Students in their college years re-examine values and develop their own identities and thus are particularly vulnerable to the influence of friends.

Assumptions that Continue to Influence Self-Confidence
In response to external influences, people develop assumptions; some of these are constructive and some are harmful. Several assumptions that can interfere with self-confidence and alternative ways of thinking are:
ASSUMPTION: "I must always have love or approval from every significant person in my life."
ALTERNATIVE: This is a perfectionistic, unattainable goal. It is more realistic and desirable to develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.
ASSUMPTION: "I must be thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving in all important areas of my life."
ALTERNATIVE: This again is a perfectionistic, unattainable goal and suggests that personal worth is determined by achievement. Achievement can be satisfying but does not make you more worthy. Instead, worth is an inherent quality and all people possess it.
ASSUMPTION: "My past remains all important and control my feelings and behaviors in the present."
ALTERNATIVE: While it is true that your confidence was especially vulnerable to external influences during your childhood, as you grow older you can gain awareness and perspective on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don't have to be helpless in the face of past events.

Self-Defeating Thought Patterns
Subscribing to these harmful assumptions leaves you vulnerable to the following self-defeating thought patterns:

• All Or Nothing Thinking. "I am a total failure when my performance is not perfect."
• Seeing Only Dark Clouds. Disaster lurks around every corner and comes to be expected. For example, a single negative detail, piece of criticism, or passing comment darkens all reality. "I got a C on one chem test, now I'll never get into medical school."
• Magnification Of Negative/Minimization Of Positive. Good things don't count nearly as much as bad ones. "I know I won five chess games in a row, but losing this one makes me feel terrible about myself."
• Uncritical Acceptance Of Emotions As Truth. "I feel ugly so it must be true."
• Overemphasis On "Should" Statements. "Should" statements are often perfectionistic and reflective of others' expectations rather than expressive of your own wants and desires. "Everyone should have a career plan when they come to college. I don't so there must be something wrong with me."
• Labeling. Labeling is a simplistic process and often conveys a sense of blame. "I am a loser and it's my fault."
• Difficulty Accepting Compliments. "You like this outfit? I think it makes me look fat." The following strategies may help overcome such self-defeating thought patterns.
  

Strategies for Developing Confidence

• Emphasize Strengths.Give yourself credit for everything you try. By focusing on what you can do, you applaud yourself for efforts rather than emphasizing end products. Starting from a base of what you should do helps you live within the bounds of your inevitable limitations.


• Take Risks. Approach new experiences as opportunities to learn rather than occasions to win or lose. Doing so opens you up to new possibilities and can increase your sense of self-acceptance. Not doing so turns every possibility into an opportunity for failure, and inhibits personal growth.


• Use Self-Talk. Use self-talk as an opportunity to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to "stop" and substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting perfection, remind yourself that you can't do everything perfectly, that it's only possible to try to do things and to try to do them well. This allows you to accept yourself while still striving to improve.


• Self-Evaluate. Learn to evaluate yourself independently. Doing so allows you to avoid the constant sense of turmoil that comes from relying exclusively on the opinions of others. Focusing internally on how you feel about your own behavior, work, etc. will give you a stronger sense of self and will prevent you from giving your personal power away to others.

TIPS FOR SELF CONFIDENCE

Everybody needs a confidence boost sometimes, so here are a few tips...

1) Feel Good when you Want
When you need to boost your self confidence or self esteem, find 3 things that make you feel good. These could be memories of good times, a piece of music, a holiday souvenir, or a person's face - use photos if it helps. Practise thinking about them and bringing them to mind.
Developing self confidence that lasts - because of the way emotions 'attach' themselves to memories, you will quickly train yourself to feel good when you want - a great help.

2) Beat Self Consciousness
Self consciousness is the No.1 enemy of self confidence. Learn how to keep your attention off yourself. You can do this easily by following these steps...
a) If you notice you have become self-conscious, (you can usually tell because you start to feel anxious), choose something 'everyday' you can see and study it in detail. For example: examine a door, look at the different textures and shades of colour, wonder about who made it and how and so on. The important thing is that you're learning how to keep your attention off yourself.
b) If you feel self-conscious in a social situation, it's usually because you don't have enough to do! Focus on what your purpose in the situation is. Whether you're there to:

• find out if you like the other people in the situation
• make others feel comfortable
• find out some information
• make business contacts
• and so on...

It's easy to feel self-conscious if you have nothing to do, and much more difficult if your attention is occupied by a task.
Think how comfortable you have been with others when you're all working toward a common goal. The common goal of socialising could be making friends, it could be the exchange of mutually beneficial information, it could be whatever you want it to be!

3) Don't Take Undue Criticism - Even From Yourself !
Challenge your own assumptions. Here's a few to get you started:
a) Confident-looking people have bad moments too.
b) Just because you feel under-confident, doesn't mean other people can tell.
c) If you're saying things to yourself like "You're no good at anything" then rest assured, you're wrong. Everyone can compose a sentence, get successfully to the store, eat without choking. Don't let yourself make sweeping statements about yourself - in the long run it is this sort of thing that can really damage your self image.
Building self esteem is not just about thinking good of yourself, it's about not thinking bad for no reason!
d) Just because you have felt bad about yourself in the past doesn't mean you're always going to feel that way. I have seen hundreds of people surprise themselves once they have learned how to build self confidence in a way that it stays built!

PERSONAL MENTAL HEALTH

Personal mental health is important if you want to build your self esteem and confidence. Personal mental health guides towards happiness and success.
Personal mental health comes from the doing right things to find inner strength.
Personal Mental health is something you should give priority to. You need to feed the brain inspirational and positive messages and maintain self esteem. Are you healthy in mind and body?
Personal mental health comes from good. Evil leads to sickness of the mind. Happiness is only possible for you if you choose to be a good person. Helping others brings immense benefits and satisfaction, therefore happiness.
Personal mental health can be increased if you:

1. Smile and laugh more
2. Don't take yourself or life so seriously
3. Realize that if you fail it is not the end of the world
4. Walk everyday whenever you can (for exercise but also your brain needs fresh air)
5. Dream about new possibilities
6. Reflect on your successes and believe in yourself
7. Do things you love as often as possible
8. Welcome new challenges and experiences
9. Do not watch, listen or read negative or evil things (especially violent, depressive or insane things)
10. Try to avoid becoming obsessed with anything (moderation is self-control)
11. Try to find beauty in everything and put your focus on beautiful things
12. Enjoy some quiet time each day
13. Try to help others
14. Encourage and want others to succeed
15. Be generous in everyway including financially
16. Be honest to yourself and others
17. I believe we are meant to be healthy and illness often comes as a result of negative thinking.
18. So be positive, caring and love others and you will find happiness!

Make the most of each day

A bank credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance to tomorrow. Every evening you lose the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!!!! Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off what you have failed to invest. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. Invest it so as to improve get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of life today. To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade. To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby. To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train. To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident. Treasure every moment ! Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present!

Self Esteem

Self esteem and happiness:

1. Listen to your inner voice and follow them for it is wisdom that knows what is best for you.
2. Talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
3. Think only of the best, to work only for the best and expect only the best-you deserve nothing less.
4. Care about the happiness and success of others and offer them all the help and encouragement they need.
5. Forget your past mistakes and focus on your successes encouraging yourself to greater achievements in the future.
6. Always do your best so you can be proud that you gave it your best shot.
7. When you help someone ask nothing in return, you will receive your reward ten times over.